Sigh...

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Sigh... Current mood: indescribable I have been in a weird mood all week I guess. I am just so ready to get the hell out of here. I literally hate this place. There is nothing good here. I'm surrounded by the images of the wars cost on these young mens lives. I can't stand it anymore. The longer we stay here the more depressed I'm getting. And about everything, not just thinking about these young heroes here. I'm getting depressed being away from home. I miss my house, my bed, my Katy cat. I just want to go home!!! No one can understand that, this past over a year now has been so stressful. So much has happened in our lives. Some days I just want to scream and run away. There is some stuff that happened which will never be told. Only my family knows....and having to deal with that is very stressful. I just feel so down and out. Our future is still so uncertain. I worry about that constantly. Will he be able to stay a scout, whats gonna happen when this assignment is up next fall? when will we do the knee replacement? will he decide to just get out? ugh...my mind goes crazy all day long thinking of this shit. then I feel everyone around me is getting pregnant and not us. I don't care that we have one child. It still hurts not to be able to have another. I'm terrified we won't ever be able to. I cry about it. I want a baby so bad. Its been so long. And now we are finanically stable to actually have one and provide for it right. It saddens me to think it will never happen. Then my sister has the nerve to say " I think when you get pregnant I'll get pregnant too" WTF!! You have 5 kids and can't even afford those, and then you want to steal my thunder (when or IF it happens) by getting pregnant at the same time! Pisses me off. Almost six years now. I'm not getting any younger you know. I am almost 30!! I just feel overwhelmed in life right now. Life has to always be so complicated. It sucks my husband had to get hurt. Something that will affect us for the rest of our lives. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what I want to do, I don't know where I want to go, who I want to be...somedays I feel I don't know myself anymore. I am definately not the same person I was before he was hurt. Definitely. I don't know somedays if its good or bad. I don't think people realize (especially my mom) how his injury affects me too. Serioulsy somedays I am so overwhelmed with medicines, and doctors and thearpy and remembering all the appts. for him it drives me to tears. I want to start going to church again. I haven't gone in years. I really do. I need to get close to God again. I lost track of all that a long time ago. So when we get home I'm definately gonna find a good church that I love. okay thats it for now. I went a little all over but I just wanted to get some shit off my chest!