Opening up

So Curt can go on leave! Yay!!! I'm excited to be able to go home in the summer months for once. We haven't been home in almost two years. That's a long time! I can't wait to see my Grandma and let Kaylie play with her cousins! We're driving home so we have to allow two travel days since it's a 16 hour drive to Iowa. We are only staying there for three or four days before heading out to Chicago which is a four hour drive to visit my sister and Curt's family. We'll be there only four or five days depending on when we decide to leave Iowa. So total time being back home is only eight days. Curt can't take two weeks of leave like we wanted to because he has a VA appointment on July 7th so we have to be back. :(
Kinda sucks. I wanted to do so much and go visit everyone and now we have to cram it all into a week and a day. Oh well though. Gotta take what we could get I guess. Kaylie's last day of school is June 24th and we're gonna leave the next morning and head back home July 5th.

I have started doing the 30 day shred. Let me tell you something...it is kicking my ass! I am completely out of shape. I really am. I did so good after Brandon and got within five lbs. of my pre-pregnancy weight. Since then, I have fallen off track and gained 10 lbs. I'm actually 15 lbs. from where I want to be! I NEED to get healthy. My family has a history of heart disease and I know how much this is a risk factor. I want to be healthy and eat better and exercise. I feel horrible about myself. I think I'm fat. I have a gut which is so embarrassing. My arms are flabby, my legs are full of cellulite and my ass got huge. I hate all my clothes. Every single pair of jeans and all my shirts. I hate them all. I need to change myself. And I've started. I know its baby steps and me doing something about myself is all that matters. I can't change it if I just talk about it. I need to DO IT. So I am. :)

Yesterday we went and talked to the AW2 chic. She really put things a little in perspective and we went over all options. She made COAD sound very appealing. Right now there are 143 COAD soldiers. What is so appealing about COAD is Curt chooses his assignments. He can go anywhere he wants. No one has been turned down for any assignment they have wanted. There is no contract, there is no amount of certain time at any one place. For example she said one Marine works in San Diego because when he is done on COAD he wants to retire there. One soldier (if you've ever seen the AW2 posters or anything, the black amputee dude all over) is the first amputee and COAD soldier to go thru WOCS (Warrant Officer Candidate School).

COAD works like this. Curt makes a 5 year plan with his branch manager. Once his med board is done is when we submit for COAD. Then as were waiting for the approval he is working with the AW2 rep and branch about where he wants to go. Anywhere! One soldier went to Fort Knox, a parapalegic confined to a wheelchair, they had no accomadations for him and it took only one phone call from AW2 to Knox to have ramps built and rails installed in the bathrooms at his work and barracks room. The first blind soldier to do COAD is an instructor at West Point. There are no limitations on what Curt could do. If we want to go to Benning, we'll go to Benning. If we want to go to Hawaii, we'll go to Hawaii. He can stay as long as he wants anywhere. So if we wanted to only go to Hawaii for a year, that is what it would be. As soon as he wants a new assignment he gets in touch with AW2 and branch and they work out his next assignment.

Anyway, once he chooses COAD and his next duty assignment, they work on his orders immediately. AW2 sets up everything. It's pretty nice how it all works. I can't type it all as its way too much information but she really recommends not getting out until he has his degree. And since the COAD program has no ETS date, he can be done whenever he chooses. We talked to her for about an hour yesterday. It was nice. We are going to be going back up there to sit down with finance who will put both options side by side and we can see exactly which option is best financially. We'll be able to make the best decision possible.

So this had put my mind at ease some. I mean of course it is still a scary thought to get out. After only knowing the army for eight years it can be intimidating to think of the "real world" again. So I'll keep you posted on that whole process and our journey along the way!

Curt had his first VA appt today. It was a mental health screening. His full physical is the appt we need to be back for on July 7th. I have a doctor appt next week. I'm finally seeking help for all my issues. I want to talk to her about my horrible anxiety, depression, and other issues I won't get into. My anxiety has gotten worse over the years. I can pinpoint when it started exactly. It started when Curt left for the invasion to Iraq in January 2003. It climaxed when the war started in March 2003. I was alone in Georgia with a newborn. Didn't know a single soul. Was new to the army life and was in a strange city. It reached its peak when he was injured and peaked again a year later when we went thru personal things.
Depression is a somewhat new thing. I do think I am mildly depressed. Nothing too serious. But I have noticed, I never want to leave the house, I dread social situations (part of my social anxiety), I eat for comfort which has lead to most of my weight gain. I mean for the past eight years I have been stressed. The army lifestyle and deployments are beyond stressful. Then to have your husband get seriously hurt definitely is not helpful.

Also being here, I hate it. I hate it here. I associate this area with hospitals, doctors, setbacks, and all that comes with being blown up by an IED. We've gone through so much in the past three years, not even counting the first two deployments. I can totally see how I am full of anxiety and depression. All that it took was one second to change our lives forever. Now our lives are on a different path. I always wonder where we would be right now if he had never gotten hurt. How different our lives would be.....

Anywho! So depression is also taking its toll on me. I need something to help me get out of this funk I'm in. I want to be "normal" again. I want myself back. I know I am definitely not myself. Hopefully the doctor will listen to me and help me. I am also wanting to seek counseling. I think that would help. To find someone I can confide all my deepest darkest things to. I'm not one to open up, I've been burned way too much in my life to ever let my walls down completely. I feel like when I let people in and tell them something in confidance they end up burning me with it and using it as a weapon. I told myself after it happened again that I would NEVER, EVER allow again. I need to find someone I can do that with. I have a lot of things I've kept inside for years, even decades.

So as you can see, I'm a jumble of emotions and I'm doing my best to work through this all and get back to be ME. So this story of our lives is to be continued! Till next time! :)

Oh so lonely

Curt is in Colorado at the Wounded Warrior games. I'm so proud of him doing so well. He took silver for archery and tonight is the gold medal match for basketball. Either way he will be bringing home two medals. I'm glad he did this. I think it helped his morale to be competing in sports. I know how much he misses playing real basketball.
He'll be home Saturday evening. Which I can't wait for! As much as he gets on my nerves sometimes I do miss him when he is gone. :)

Brandon is keeping me busy and on my toes. He is cruising all around the house now. I can't leave him alone for even a second! His new fascination is with the cat dishes. He has got his little grubby hands in those dishes numerous times. He is all over! He does like pots and pans and a wooden spoon though! He was in Heaven with that while I cooked dinner.

We had Kaylie's field trip to DC last Friday. What an adventure that was! All of us parents were assigned four girls to watch. We had to carry water and their snacks in backpacks. So my backpack was probably at least 15 lbs. It was pretty nice that day and of course we got stuck in traffic on the way there. Once we got there our first stop was the Lincoln memorial. It was jam packed with other kids on field trips and tourists as well. There was this family that was Chinese/Japanese and every time we got the kids in a group photo to take a picture at every stop this family would be taking pictures of the class as well. Getting up close and snapping pictures. It was soooo weird! It was kind of funny, but another mom said that the Japanese really love to take pictures of Americans. When they were stationed in Japan they would constantly get their picture taken by the locals. They are amazed at the American's and how they have blonde hair blue eyes. It's quite humorous!

Anyway, the kids didn't really care about the monuments. They had more fun running around as we chased them and they cared more about the baby ducks that were in the reflecting pool. We probably walked three miles that day all around. It was exhausting!

I can't believe the school year is almost over. A little over a month to go and we will have a 2nd grader! Time sure does fly. My brother is coming out here mid June as well, which I am so excited for. We plan on going to Six Flags one day, and I would love to take him around and see some of the city he didn't get to see when he came down in 2007 when Curt was in the hospital still. That was a whirlwind time and we didn't get to see much. So I'm definitely looking forward to that.
My history class ends the week he gets here then I will be free for a month until my classes start back up in August. I signed up for a Literature class and a math class. I'm looking forward to having a break for the summer.

We have also decided what we are doing. As much as I still lean towards retirement and ending our time in the army. We have agreed that Curt is going to do COAD (continuation on active duty), which will get approved since the AW2 wounded soldiers are at 100% acceptance into the COAD program. He is going to finish his Bachelors on the army's dime, then get out and use his GI bill for his Master's. It's a win/win situation. Either way COAD or not, we will be moving back to Benning. He'll probably just get an instruction job at the Armor School for the next however many years it takes him to get his degree. Since COAD has no time limit it can be for as many years ad he chooses. He will still go through his PEB (physical evaluation board) that way when he chooses to stop COAD he won't have to go through the board again. They will just rate him at that point.

I'm excited about this opportunity and feel that it is the best decision.Even though I was all for seeing one more duty station, I feel like our time in the army is done. Let's finish this out and move on with our lives. He has definitely paid his dues to the military. It's time to move on and start our careers. I'm excited to settle down in Columbus, we're well on our way to buying our house, and raise our children there. Georgia is "home". I miss it, and can't wait to get back!

Time goes by...so slowly

And nothing seems to really change! I am ready for a break. I want to go somewhere. Where? I don't care! Anywhere! Just get me out of here for a vacation please. Hopefully going back home for the first time in a year and a half will fix that. It should be fun. We plan on leaving June 25th. If Curt can take leave we will be driving there of course. If he can't come with us, I am gonna fly. No way am I driving over twelve hours with two kids alone! We'll spend the first week in IL then go to Iowa to visit my mom and grandma. Who I can't wait to see! I miss my rah-rah so much. That is the only person I really care to go home for actually. We'll probably spend fourth of July there, then I would also love to make it down to see some friends in Missouri. Not sure yet exactly. We'll have to see if Curt can come with first.

Curt has been so busy lately with the Warrior Games coming up and training for that. Plus his regular physical therapy appointments and now Med board appts, I feel like he's rarely around. He's going to NYC this week to be on the Today show. And I must say I was pissed about that. They are doing a piece on him and his family can't come! The army pisses me off sometimes. He's gonna be gone Tuesday and Wednesday for that. Make sure you tune into the Today show this Wednesday to watch him! He's extremely nervous about it though. After that, the next week he'll be gone to the Wounded Warrior games in Colorado. He'll be gone for the whole week. After that things should calm down and he'll just have his regular stuff going on, including the Med board.

We're meeting with his AW2 lady to go over options. She talked to Curt already, but I want to talk to her too since I'm the one with all the plans. She made a good point and I kind of agree,even though I was set on retirement now and so was Curt. She said do COAD and finish his degree on the army's dime before retiring. Which actually makes a bit of sense to do. That way he will have his degree before getting out. She can do this caculator thing to tell us which one is the best option. And since COAD has no time limits as soon as he's done with his degree he can then do his board to retire. It's up to the soldier how long they want or choose to do COAD.

So now we're thinking about that. But like I said. I want to talk to Andrya before we truly decide. We'll see. If the Med Board finds him unfit is when we submit our request to do COAD. So we still have time to decide. I'm looking forward to sitting down with her so I can hear and ask questions myself.

Anyway, was at the ER all afternoon with Brandon. He has been cranky the past couple days. So I finally took him in and sure enough he has a double ear infection. Poor little guy! He's miserable. His temp was also up to 102, but has gone down since they gave him Tylenol. I hate when my babies are sick!
It was nice to have the past week off to recoup from these last two classes. My next class starts tomorrow. It's my only class for the next eight weeks. Then I'm taking a month off while we go home. I don't want to have to worry about school and vacation at the same time.

I also decided to become the Brownie leader for next year. I'm excited about that. I have to go away to some classes for it and become CPR and lifesaver certified, but I'm all for it. I want to do something and I think this is a great opportunity even if we're not here that much longer. I can carry it back to Georgia or wherever we may go if he stays in and still be a leader there as well. I'm excited for this new adventure!

Well, that's about it for our boring lives. Same old shit, different day!