So Curt was finally able to get his reenlistment done. yay!! His records are still not updated yet to reflect that so we still are not able to get new ID cards, but we should be able to in the next few days. Our ID's expire in 10 days so its pretty crucial to get it done ASAP. Now we are just waiting on orders. I don't know when that is gonna happen and frankly I'm tired of worrying about this all.
I was on another website for wounded warrior wives and read about the latest retreat they have for the wives. I wish I would have known about it because I would have signed up to attend. I think it would do me a world of good. Anyway, I was reading about what they did there and how its important to focus on ME and not consume myself with Curt and his life. They made them stand inside this circle and tell themselves that the most important person to take care of is their own self. We have to learn to accept a lot of things that will happen are beyond our control. We have to accept what has happened to our husbands and adjust to the changes in our lives. We can't take care of others if we, ourselves, are not taken care of. Our first priority should always be ourselves and our own wellbeing.
I think that was a huge hit home for me. I have been worrying about what is going on with Curt and I have been staying so on top of everything and bugging him to check this and that and call this person and that. It's exhausting!
It's tiresome! I've come to a point now where I am just going to let him worry about it all. It's not my problem! I have my own life to focus on, my own goals I want to accomplish and I don't need the added stress of making his problems my problems. So I made a vow last week to stop worrying about what is happening. I will let things happen as they happen. I've been doing pretty good with it too. His life is his life, and my life is my life.
We also have been thinking about Hawaii. As much as we would love to go, we don't know if it is in our best interest as a family. Both of our careers would be put on hold. Mine as well, since I am going for my master's as soon as I can. Hawaii wouldn't allow that since we would not be there long enough for me to complete it. Curt's best career move is back to Benning. So we have that on the back of our minds as well. Its been on my mind for awhile though. I have this inkling that Hawaii is not the best option... I guess we will find out what is happening when we hear back from branch. If Hawaii falls through I am perfectly okay with it. It doesn't matter to me either way. I will be disappointed a bit, and sad about a missed opportunity don't get me wrong. I mean I have been bugging Curt about going there for years, but in the end, we will have to find out if it is worth it or not. At this point, I will make the best of whatever happens. Either way I think Benning/Hawaii has its pros and cons ... Again, out of my control, so... :)
On another note. I have been quite proud of myself lately. I have been running!! Yes, running.. every night. It feels so good. It gives me time to think and clear my head of all this stuff going on and I LOVE it. :)
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Weekend trip
This weekend we went over to Solomon's Island, MD. It was a retreat sponsored by a woman named Connie who started a non profit organization up there called Vacations4Vets. I was really worried about going because, as we all know, we have had a massive heat wave across the U.S. The heat index on Friday got up to 118. It was miserably hot outside. But we went anyway! We arrived a little after two that afternoon and we were the first one's to arrive. We were staying right on the Patuxent River at a lodge with three other families who came for the retreat too. The lodge was really nice. It is like a big cabin with four rooms on each side of two long hallways along with four communal bathrooms (which I might add, was not particularly good for someone who has a thing about bathrooms haha). There was a huge great room for all of us to share and tons of food stocked in the kitchen so that was good.
That day we went to the Marine Museum which was basically a small aquarium with sting rays, jellyfish, otters, and other marine wildlife. We were supposed to go up into the lighthouse, but it was too hot so they had it closed for the day. So after spending about an hour in the aquarium we headed out back for a Tennyson boat tour. It was a tour boat that took you around the Chesapeake Bay and back for about an hour and half. They had snacks on board and plenty of water so we all tried to stay as hydrated as possible. I was really worried about Brandon so I tried to keep forcing him to drink water and eat as much fruit as possible so he could get added water from that. He was so cranky too because he had not napped that whole day. We got back to the lodge about 8 and began to wound down. Needless to say Brandon did not go to bed until about 11 that night.
He was up at 6:30 the next morning too! Ugh. I knew we were in for a long day! Saturday was filled with lots of events that was very rigidly scheduled. At 8:30 we went out on our first boat over to an oyster farm. Bob (the boat man haha) told us all about how he traps oysters and sells them to wholesalers, blah, blah, blah. He showed us his house on the water and then he let Kaylie drive his boat back out onto the river. She loved that! He had a really nice boat with a bedroom downstairs and a dishwasher and everything. Once we got back out onto the Patuxent River we all went tubing. Well, Curt, Kaylie, and the other soldier Joe who was with us went tubing. I did not. I thought we were going tubing on the second boat later that day so I didn't wear my bathing suit. Curt and Kaylie decided to go tubing in the clothes they were wearing and they had a blast! Kaylie decided to go tubing alone after she went with Curt so that was awesome for her. She loved it! Brandon cried and cried because he didn't like them out on the raft so Curt ended up taking him downstairs to the bedroom below for some quiet time.
Once we got back to the lodge and changed, Curt and Brandon laid down for a nap so it was just, Kaylie and I, along with another mom and daughter who went on the pleasure cruise after lunch. This third boat was not as nice as Bob's boat. But we sat up on the bow and just let the wind hit us and enjoyed just being out on the boat and talking. We saw million dollar houses on the water and he took us out past the river and into the Chesapeake Bay. It was awesome! It makes me miss boating so much. I used to go boating all the time growing up with my Aunt and Uncle. Totally made me miss those days of just cruising the water!
By the time we got back it was 2 and we were supposed to go kayaking at 2:30. I decided not to go because I desperately needed a break from the heat and sun. I think we all got a little sunburnt out on the water all day. So I stayed behind with the kids and Curt went kayaking. Later that afternoon we went over to the barn and got to groom horses. Kaylie loved that as well. We didn't get to ride them because it was too hot outside so we had to stay in the barn, but it was very calming and relaxing in there. I can see how taking care of animals can be therapeutic for some. The horse Kaylie was grooming kept getting "excited" though if you know what I mean hahaha. Three times his wiener came out! I thought that was funny to see a horses penis. I know I'm horrible. LOL
After that we got ready for dinner. They had a catered dinner with tons of food. They also had a huge, table length flag cake. It was gorgeous! I wish I had gotten a picture of it, but by that time we were all packed up. We had decided to leave that night instead of this morning. Which I am glad we did. It was a wonderful, fun weekend, but Brandon was lacking sleep and we were all burnt out from the sun. So it was nice to come home last night and relax in my own house and sleep in my own bed.
Overall, we had a great time, despite the brutal temperatures!
That day we went to the Marine Museum which was basically a small aquarium with sting rays, jellyfish, otters, and other marine wildlife. We were supposed to go up into the lighthouse, but it was too hot so they had it closed for the day. So after spending about an hour in the aquarium we headed out back for a Tennyson boat tour. It was a tour boat that took you around the Chesapeake Bay and back for about an hour and half. They had snacks on board and plenty of water so we all tried to stay as hydrated as possible. I was really worried about Brandon so I tried to keep forcing him to drink water and eat as much fruit as possible so he could get added water from that. He was so cranky too because he had not napped that whole day. We got back to the lodge about 8 and began to wound down. Needless to say Brandon did not go to bed until about 11 that night.
He was up at 6:30 the next morning too! Ugh. I knew we were in for a long day! Saturday was filled with lots of events that was very rigidly scheduled. At 8:30 we went out on our first boat over to an oyster farm. Bob (the boat man haha) told us all about how he traps oysters and sells them to wholesalers, blah, blah, blah. He showed us his house on the water and then he let Kaylie drive his boat back out onto the river. She loved that! He had a really nice boat with a bedroom downstairs and a dishwasher and everything. Once we got back out onto the Patuxent River we all went tubing. Well, Curt, Kaylie, and the other soldier Joe who was with us went tubing. I did not. I thought we were going tubing on the second boat later that day so I didn't wear my bathing suit. Curt and Kaylie decided to go tubing in the clothes they were wearing and they had a blast! Kaylie decided to go tubing alone after she went with Curt so that was awesome for her. She loved it! Brandon cried and cried because he didn't like them out on the raft so Curt ended up taking him downstairs to the bedroom below for some quiet time.
Once we got back to the lodge and changed, Curt and Brandon laid down for a nap so it was just, Kaylie and I, along with another mom and daughter who went on the pleasure cruise after lunch. This third boat was not as nice as Bob's boat. But we sat up on the bow and just let the wind hit us and enjoyed just being out on the boat and talking. We saw million dollar houses on the water and he took us out past the river and into the Chesapeake Bay. It was awesome! It makes me miss boating so much. I used to go boating all the time growing up with my Aunt and Uncle. Totally made me miss those days of just cruising the water!
By the time we got back it was 2 and we were supposed to go kayaking at 2:30. I decided not to go because I desperately needed a break from the heat and sun. I think we all got a little sunburnt out on the water all day. So I stayed behind with the kids and Curt went kayaking. Later that afternoon we went over to the barn and got to groom horses. Kaylie loved that as well. We didn't get to ride them because it was too hot outside so we had to stay in the barn, but it was very calming and relaxing in there. I can see how taking care of animals can be therapeutic for some. The horse Kaylie was grooming kept getting "excited" though if you know what I mean hahaha. Three times his wiener came out! I thought that was funny to see a horses penis. I know I'm horrible. LOL
After that we got ready for dinner. They had a catered dinner with tons of food. They also had a huge, table length flag cake. It was gorgeous! I wish I had gotten a picture of it, but by that time we were all packed up. We had decided to leave that night instead of this morning. Which I am glad we did. It was a wonderful, fun weekend, but Brandon was lacking sleep and we were all burnt out from the sun. So it was nice to come home last night and relax in my own house and sleep in my own bed.
Overall, we had a great time, despite the brutal temperatures!
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Stressed out!
I think I have found the route of my never ending stress battle. I want control....and I don't have control over anything related to the big stuff in our lives.
Curt's ETS date is Aug 8th. That is three weeks away. I am stressed about that because while we were on leave his COAD paperwork came in and now we are waiting on the retention lady to get his re-enlistment paperwork together. Which we have been waiting on since we got back from leave. I'm stressing out that it is going to take forever and our ID's will expire and then we have to deal with all of that. That means no shopping at the commissary, px, nothing. It will suck. I mean I know I always think worst case scenario and I don't think we will be waiting three weeks for his reenlistment to go through, but its the army we are talking about so anything is possible!
I just feel like we have been waiting on things to happen for four years plus now! First we waited for his surgeries, then we waited for doctors opinions, then we waited to move here, then we waited for more appointments and surgeries, then we waited a very long time for the med board to be complete, then we waited on COAD, now we wait on reenlistment, then we wait on actual paper orders, etc, etc. It's exhausting waiting! And frankly I'm tired of it!
Even our upcoming move is beyond my control. I like to plan and have a plan "A" and plan "B". We don't even have an exact date of when we will move. It is more than likely October, but at this point with Hawaii we need more time than that. We need time to get Command Sponsorship done. Our new hospital opens Aug 10th and appts are basically impossible to get right now as they start the transition. Everyone moving overseas is having the problem of getting their paperwork done. It's next to impossible right now. No appts available for EFMP screening. It's ridiculous. At this point, I asked Curt to tell his branch manager to push it to November if he can. That gives us time to get CS done, movers situated, Katy's quarantine period will be done mid-October, etc. Way less stressful than trying to move at the end of September, beginning October. Especially since school here starts for Kaylie Sept 6th. I would hate for her to only go to school for two weeks and then be out for a long while.
At this point I have no clue what is going on. I am so stressed out about all this, I even told Curt to forget Hawaii and we'll just go to Benning so its easier on me mentally. I'm terrified of this move I have never moved that far away before and as exciting as it is, it is also scary as hell. I see myself having a mental breakdown from dealing with all this stress. I just want it all to be over with. I want to be settled. I want all these things I can't control to be over with. I just want some aspect of my life I can control at this point. This move is totally gonna suck! I think about moving to Hawaii and how stressful it will be, then I think of Georgia also and how stressful even that would be! Its a no win situation. So I guess I just have to find ways to deal with it.
I think this goes to show myself that I don't handle stress well. My life has been so stressful since June 1, 2007. If I could take it all back I would. It has changed me dramatically from the person I was, and frankly I don't really care for this neurotic, uptight, stressed out individual. I am even starting to give up the things I love. I used to love cooking and now resent it, I used to love going places, now I don't, I used to love cruising around or taking a drive by myself and now I never do that.
I am fighting to get myself back. I want to be ME again. I want some control over my life. I don't like to focus on the negative and I try not to, but its hard. My life has not gone in the direction I wanted it to, and I'm working hard on accepting that and making the life I have left worthwhile.
I look at my two beautiful children and am thankful I have them to ground me. I cannot picture my life without them. I try to concentrate on the good and it works most of the time, but every now and again I reach those dark spots and I let them get to me and break me down again.
I have this constant battle going on in my head and I'll be good for awhile, then slide back into depression. But really what am I depressed about? Just what has transpired over the course of the last four years? That is a huge part of it yes, but what else? My weight? Of course, I did good for awhile, then grew bored and am now back to how I was before. It's depressing. And what do I do..I turn to food to help cope. Not a good move. I am really gonna try to start going for a walk when I get in those moods instead of walking into the kitchen. I'm gonna try to distract myself in other ways besides turning to food for comfort.
I need to find something to keep myself occupied and busy. I do nothing all day but sit at home and play with Brandon or read outside while he naps. I need to get out there again. But I find myself socially awkward. I have never been a big talker. I am more of a listener. And I always kick myself if we are at the park and a fellow mom will try to start a conversation with me and I feel awkward. I have never been socially comfortable. Then when we leave I am yelling at myself in my head of things I could have or should have said to the mom. Sigh...
Anyway, there's a tiny peek inside my mentally unstable head!
Curt's ETS date is Aug 8th. That is three weeks away. I am stressed about that because while we were on leave his COAD paperwork came in and now we are waiting on the retention lady to get his re-enlistment paperwork together. Which we have been waiting on since we got back from leave. I'm stressing out that it is going to take forever and our ID's will expire and then we have to deal with all of that. That means no shopping at the commissary, px, nothing. It will suck. I mean I know I always think worst case scenario and I don't think we will be waiting three weeks for his reenlistment to go through, but its the army we are talking about so anything is possible!
I just feel like we have been waiting on things to happen for four years plus now! First we waited for his surgeries, then we waited for doctors opinions, then we waited to move here, then we waited for more appointments and surgeries, then we waited a very long time for the med board to be complete, then we waited on COAD, now we wait on reenlistment, then we wait on actual paper orders, etc, etc. It's exhausting waiting! And frankly I'm tired of it!
Even our upcoming move is beyond my control. I like to plan and have a plan "A" and plan "B". We don't even have an exact date of when we will move. It is more than likely October, but at this point with Hawaii we need more time than that. We need time to get Command Sponsorship done. Our new hospital opens Aug 10th and appts are basically impossible to get right now as they start the transition. Everyone moving overseas is having the problem of getting their paperwork done. It's next to impossible right now. No appts available for EFMP screening. It's ridiculous. At this point, I asked Curt to tell his branch manager to push it to November if he can. That gives us time to get CS done, movers situated, Katy's quarantine period will be done mid-October, etc. Way less stressful than trying to move at the end of September, beginning October. Especially since school here starts for Kaylie Sept 6th. I would hate for her to only go to school for two weeks and then be out for a long while.
At this point I have no clue what is going on. I am so stressed out about all this, I even told Curt to forget Hawaii and we'll just go to Benning so its easier on me mentally. I'm terrified of this move I have never moved that far away before and as exciting as it is, it is also scary as hell. I see myself having a mental breakdown from dealing with all this stress. I just want it all to be over with. I want to be settled. I want all these things I can't control to be over with. I just want some aspect of my life I can control at this point. This move is totally gonna suck! I think about moving to Hawaii and how stressful it will be, then I think of Georgia also and how stressful even that would be! Its a no win situation. So I guess I just have to find ways to deal with it.
I think this goes to show myself that I don't handle stress well. My life has been so stressful since June 1, 2007. If I could take it all back I would. It has changed me dramatically from the person I was, and frankly I don't really care for this neurotic, uptight, stressed out individual. I am even starting to give up the things I love. I used to love cooking and now resent it, I used to love going places, now I don't, I used to love cruising around or taking a drive by myself and now I never do that.
I am fighting to get myself back. I want to be ME again. I want some control over my life. I don't like to focus on the negative and I try not to, but its hard. My life has not gone in the direction I wanted it to, and I'm working hard on accepting that and making the life I have left worthwhile.
I look at my two beautiful children and am thankful I have them to ground me. I cannot picture my life without them. I try to concentrate on the good and it works most of the time, but every now and again I reach those dark spots and I let them get to me and break me down again.
I have this constant battle going on in my head and I'll be good for awhile, then slide back into depression. But really what am I depressed about? Just what has transpired over the course of the last four years? That is a huge part of it yes, but what else? My weight? Of course, I did good for awhile, then grew bored and am now back to how I was before. It's depressing. And what do I do..I turn to food to help cope. Not a good move. I am really gonna try to start going for a walk when I get in those moods instead of walking into the kitchen. I'm gonna try to distract myself in other ways besides turning to food for comfort.
I need to find something to keep myself occupied and busy. I do nothing all day but sit at home and play with Brandon or read outside while he naps. I need to get out there again. But I find myself socially awkward. I have never been a big talker. I am more of a listener. And I always kick myself if we are at the park and a fellow mom will try to start a conversation with me and I feel awkward. I have never been socially comfortable. Then when we leave I am yelling at myself in my head of things I could have or should have said to the mom. Sigh...
Anyway, there's a tiny peek inside my mentally unstable head!
Thursday, July 14, 2011
What is so hard????
Last night we threw down on Kaylie's room. It was such a mess!! This is not the first time we have been on her for keeping her room clean. So last night after Brandon's bath I walked in her room and said "this is absolutely disgusting in here, we are cleaning this out NOW". We threw away THREE garbage bags full of JUNK. I mean I swear this kid is like a hoarder or something. She keeps everything. She keeps TRASH. Then she starts to cry when I want to throw it away because she wants it. Is this a problem????
She keeps everything from scraps of paper, to broken pencils, to plastic wrap from toys, to happy meal boxes. It's a bit ridiculous. So we threw away a LOT of stuff last night. She wasn't happy with it, but her room is actually clean now! I dusted it, I vacuumed (after we had to pull out her bed, dresser, and amoire because she had soooo much JUNK just shoved under all three of those things!) and organized her books and movies. All her movies were out of the cases and just thrown around. It was sad. I told her how her room needs to look like this every night before she goes to bed, whatever is left on the floor I will throw away. Everything has its place and that is where it needs to be. We'll see how long this lasts this time! I give it another day before I have to go in there and pick stuff up and throw it away! She won't learn the easy way, so I'm about to teach her the hard way!
Brandon is still not talking and I am still worried about it. When he goes to his two year checkup I am going to voice these concerns to his doctor and probably get him into speech therapy. I think he should at least be saying more than one word (he says Mom and thats it). Other than that he is doing so good. I must say he keeps me very busy and on my toes at all times.
I think now that I have a younger child again my anxiety level is so much higher. Since Curt got hurt I have dealt with anxiety issues but now add another child into the mix, it has made me almost insane.
I swear sometimes I am borderline psycho when it comes to my kids and their safety. Everyone back home was calling me out on how neurotic and paranoid I am about Brandon and where he is. It seriously even drives ME crazy. I hate this. I hate feeling out of control. I think its time to go back to the doctor and get some different medicine. I don't think what I have now is really working for me.
I feel like I can't relax when we are out. I am fine when we are home, but once we go somewhere I get extremely anxious and just can't wait to get back to my safe haven. Why does this happen? What is causing this? These are questions I struggle to answer everyday.
She keeps everything from scraps of paper, to broken pencils, to plastic wrap from toys, to happy meal boxes. It's a bit ridiculous. So we threw away a LOT of stuff last night. She wasn't happy with it, but her room is actually clean now! I dusted it, I vacuumed (after we had to pull out her bed, dresser, and amoire because she had soooo much JUNK just shoved under all three of those things!) and organized her books and movies. All her movies were out of the cases and just thrown around. It was sad. I told her how her room needs to look like this every night before she goes to bed, whatever is left on the floor I will throw away. Everything has its place and that is where it needs to be. We'll see how long this lasts this time! I give it another day before I have to go in there and pick stuff up and throw it away! She won't learn the easy way, so I'm about to teach her the hard way!
Brandon is still not talking and I am still worried about it. When he goes to his two year checkup I am going to voice these concerns to his doctor and probably get him into speech therapy. I think he should at least be saying more than one word (he says Mom and thats it). Other than that he is doing so good. I must say he keeps me very busy and on my toes at all times.
I think now that I have a younger child again my anxiety level is so much higher. Since Curt got hurt I have dealt with anxiety issues but now add another child into the mix, it has made me almost insane.
I swear sometimes I am borderline psycho when it comes to my kids and their safety. Everyone back home was calling me out on how neurotic and paranoid I am about Brandon and where he is. It seriously even drives ME crazy. I hate this. I hate feeling out of control. I think its time to go back to the doctor and get some different medicine. I don't think what I have now is really working for me.
I feel like I can't relax when we are out. I am fine when we are home, but once we go somewhere I get extremely anxious and just can't wait to get back to my safe haven. Why does this happen? What is causing this? These are questions I struggle to answer everyday.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Quick rambling
Well, we are finally back from visiting back home. We were there for two weeks which is just way too long. It was nice seeing everyone, but I hate running around trying to fit everybody into two weeks. It's virtually impossible. Brandon did so good on the car rides there and back. I was really impressed with him! Makes me feel better about our upcoming long plane ride to Hawaii!!
While we were in Iowa Brandon had a fever one night. His temp was 103 and then it was 105. So we took him to the ER. One thing I love about my mom's small town is we were in and out of the ER in 30 minutes! No waiting for hours just to be seen. Same at Walmart. You can get in and out very quickly. It was so nice! Anyway, they ended up saying he was just teething at the ER. He had a fever for two and a half days. So our trip to Iowa was pretty much spent indoors at my moms. It put a damper on a lot of our plans.
We spent the next week at my sisters house in Illinois. We went to Six Flags the first day we were there, which was so fun! I love roller coasters and will seriously miss amusement parks once we leave the mainland. :(
Other than that we visited Curt's family and got to see some old friends. We had a pretty chill time.
Now that we are back its time to get crackin' on this house. I want to go through everything and prepare for yard sales next month. I want to get rid of a lot of junk I don't need and don't want to cart with me across the ocean. I feel we have so much to do and so little time!
We are gonna sell Curt's truck we decided. We'll buy a used car once we get over there. I also am very worried about Katy and getting her stuff together and also getting our command sponsorship stuff done. Since Dewitt is closing in a few weeks and the new Fort Belvoir Community Hospital is opening, appointments are very hard to get. There is a long wait just for an appointment. I'm nervous about all this.
I am terrified of this move and a big part of me wants to back out and just move back to Georgia. But since we have to move one more time we are gonna get it over with now and then settle and buy a house and call it a day. I look forward to that day the most. I am so ready to be settled and have stability. It's only about three years away....
I have a lot on my mind...but I will save that for another day. I have laundry to finish and bathrooms to scrub.
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