Just for once

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Just for once Current mood: depressed Well, I am depressed. I think I can officially say that. I'm terrified now of having PPD after the baby if it hasn't already started...I think its just too much for me to handle right now. On top of everything going on with Curt and dealing with that. I have my own pregnancy to worry about... Then my sister sends me a text on our way home tonight from dinner. She's having a boy. I should be happy. But honestly I'm not. Some of you know the situation there. And how I feel about it. So for her to call me and send me a text like that. I didn't know how to feel. First we try and try for six years to get pregnant. It finally happens. And then she has to jump in and get pregnant. We're due two weeks apart. She knew I didn't want to be pregnant at the same time. I wanted some attention on ME for once. She has five kids, this is numuber six. So I just felt like I wanted the thunder for awhile. And I felt like she stole it. I was at Amanda's when she called and told me she was pregnant. She knew I was upset about it and didn't want to be pregnant at the same time. She's one where atttention always has to be on HER. No matter what her problems are always more important. And now she's having a boy too. Like she said today, we'll prob even have our kids on the same day at this rate! It makes me sooooo upset. What about me??? Just for once???? Seriously I can't call and talk to my family without them going on and on about D-na and what she could've possibly been having, what to name their next child blah blah blah....how come you can't ask about me and how I'm doing without changing the topic to my sisters brood of children? Its so tiresome and frustrating. Then D-na's talking about at xmas and we'll both have newborns etc. etc. WEll honestly, we're not coming home. I have no desire to, especially now. Why so she can be "look at me, look at me"....I'm always pushed to the back. She always has to have the spotlight. Always. At this point I am so down in the dumps about it all. I have no desire to talk to her or anyone in my family. I don't want them to go on and on about "oh she's having a boy, thats great, (she has four girls and only one boy) I don't want to hear it..... Just for once in my life I would like some attention........and of course I never get it....