The end of the road

Monday, September 15, 2008

the end of the road Current mood: depressed So today was our first and probably last appointment with the fertility specialist. Our only option is IVF with ICSI, which cost over 10 Grand. Yes we can do it at other army hospitals, I think there are 10 or so who do this also, but its still anywhere from 5-7500 dollars. Too much. Yeah they do financing, but the payments are as big as a fuckin car payment! No thanks. So at this point I believe we are done. And trying to except the fact Kaylie is our only child. It sucks and I am completely devasted and sad. I dont' want to talk about it and I don't want to hear shit about "it will happen" "gods will" bullshit. We only have a 1% chance of conceiving each month. So odds with his motility are zip. Guess my sister was right " God doesn't think we deserve to have more children" Yeah I'm fucking happy I have Kaylie and she is the joy of my life and yes I'm fucking happy that I "at least have one" but the longing to hold another child of my own in my arms is so great and it pierces my heart to the core. My motherly instinct wants more. And that will never happen.....