Opening up

So Curt can go on leave! Yay!!! I'm excited to be able to go home in the summer months for once. We haven't been home in almost two years. That's a long time! I can't wait to see my Grandma and let Kaylie play with her cousins! We're driving home so we have to allow two travel days since it's a 16 hour drive to Iowa. We are only staying there for three or four days before heading out to Chicago which is a four hour drive to visit my sister and Curt's family. We'll be there only four or five days depending on when we decide to leave Iowa. So total time being back home is only eight days. Curt can't take two weeks of leave like we wanted to because he has a VA appointment on July 7th so we have to be back. :(
Kinda sucks. I wanted to do so much and go visit everyone and now we have to cram it all into a week and a day. Oh well though. Gotta take what we could get I guess. Kaylie's last day of school is June 24th and we're gonna leave the next morning and head back home July 5th.

I have started doing the 30 day shred. Let me tell you something...it is kicking my ass! I am completely out of shape. I really am. I did so good after Brandon and got within five lbs. of my pre-pregnancy weight. Since then, I have fallen off track and gained 10 lbs. I'm actually 15 lbs. from where I want to be! I NEED to get healthy. My family has a history of heart disease and I know how much this is a risk factor. I want to be healthy and eat better and exercise. I feel horrible about myself. I think I'm fat. I have a gut which is so embarrassing. My arms are flabby, my legs are full of cellulite and my ass got huge. I hate all my clothes. Every single pair of jeans and all my shirts. I hate them all. I need to change myself. And I've started. I know its baby steps and me doing something about myself is all that matters. I can't change it if I just talk about it. I need to DO IT. So I am. :)

Yesterday we went and talked to the AW2 chic. She really put things a little in perspective and we went over all options. She made COAD sound very appealing. Right now there are 143 COAD soldiers. What is so appealing about COAD is Curt chooses his assignments. He can go anywhere he wants. No one has been turned down for any assignment they have wanted. There is no contract, there is no amount of certain time at any one place. For example she said one Marine works in San Diego because when he is done on COAD he wants to retire there. One soldier (if you've ever seen the AW2 posters or anything, the black amputee dude all over) is the first amputee and COAD soldier to go thru WOCS (Warrant Officer Candidate School).

COAD works like this. Curt makes a 5 year plan with his branch manager. Once his med board is done is when we submit for COAD. Then as were waiting for the approval he is working with the AW2 rep and branch about where he wants to go. Anywhere! One soldier went to Fort Knox, a parapalegic confined to a wheelchair, they had no accomadations for him and it took only one phone call from AW2 to Knox to have ramps built and rails installed in the bathrooms at his work and barracks room. The first blind soldier to do COAD is an instructor at West Point. There are no limitations on what Curt could do. If we want to go to Benning, we'll go to Benning. If we want to go to Hawaii, we'll go to Hawaii. He can stay as long as he wants anywhere. So if we wanted to only go to Hawaii for a year, that is what it would be. As soon as he wants a new assignment he gets in touch with AW2 and branch and they work out his next assignment.

Anyway, once he chooses COAD and his next duty assignment, they work on his orders immediately. AW2 sets up everything. It's pretty nice how it all works. I can't type it all as its way too much information but she really recommends not getting out until he has his degree. And since the COAD program has no ETS date, he can be done whenever he chooses. We talked to her for about an hour yesterday. It was nice. We are going to be going back up there to sit down with finance who will put both options side by side and we can see exactly which option is best financially. We'll be able to make the best decision possible.

So this had put my mind at ease some. I mean of course it is still a scary thought to get out. After only knowing the army for eight years it can be intimidating to think of the "real world" again. So I'll keep you posted on that whole process and our journey along the way!

Curt had his first VA appt today. It was a mental health screening. His full physical is the appt we need to be back for on July 7th. I have a doctor appt next week. I'm finally seeking help for all my issues. I want to talk to her about my horrible anxiety, depression, and other issues I won't get into. My anxiety has gotten worse over the years. I can pinpoint when it started exactly. It started when Curt left for the invasion to Iraq in January 2003. It climaxed when the war started in March 2003. I was alone in Georgia with a newborn. Didn't know a single soul. Was new to the army life and was in a strange city. It reached its peak when he was injured and peaked again a year later when we went thru personal things.
Depression is a somewhat new thing. I do think I am mildly depressed. Nothing too serious. But I have noticed, I never want to leave the house, I dread social situations (part of my social anxiety), I eat for comfort which has lead to most of my weight gain. I mean for the past eight years I have been stressed. The army lifestyle and deployments are beyond stressful. Then to have your husband get seriously hurt definitely is not helpful.

Also being here, I hate it. I hate it here. I associate this area with hospitals, doctors, setbacks, and all that comes with being blown up by an IED. We've gone through so much in the past three years, not even counting the first two deployments. I can totally see how I am full of anxiety and depression. All that it took was one second to change our lives forever. Now our lives are on a different path. I always wonder where we would be right now if he had never gotten hurt. How different our lives would be.....

Anywho! So depression is also taking its toll on me. I need something to help me get out of this funk I'm in. I want to be "normal" again. I want myself back. I know I am definitely not myself. Hopefully the doctor will listen to me and help me. I am also wanting to seek counseling. I think that would help. To find someone I can confide all my deepest darkest things to. I'm not one to open up, I've been burned way too much in my life to ever let my walls down completely. I feel like when I let people in and tell them something in confidance they end up burning me with it and using it as a weapon. I told myself after it happened again that I would NEVER, EVER allow again. I need to find someone I can do that with. I have a lot of things I've kept inside for years, even decades.

So as you can see, I'm a jumble of emotions and I'm doing my best to work through this all and get back to be ME. So this story of our lives is to be continued! Till next time! :)

Oh so lonely

Curt is in Colorado at the Wounded Warrior games. I'm so proud of him doing so well. He took silver for archery and tonight is the gold medal match for basketball. Either way he will be bringing home two medals. I'm glad he did this. I think it helped his morale to be competing in sports. I know how much he misses playing real basketball.
He'll be home Saturday evening. Which I can't wait for! As much as he gets on my nerves sometimes I do miss him when he is gone. :)

Brandon is keeping me busy and on my toes. He is cruising all around the house now. I can't leave him alone for even a second! His new fascination is with the cat dishes. He has got his little grubby hands in those dishes numerous times. He is all over! He does like pots and pans and a wooden spoon though! He was in Heaven with that while I cooked dinner.

We had Kaylie's field trip to DC last Friday. What an adventure that was! All of us parents were assigned four girls to watch. We had to carry water and their snacks in backpacks. So my backpack was probably at least 15 lbs. It was pretty nice that day and of course we got stuck in traffic on the way there. Once we got there our first stop was the Lincoln memorial. It was jam packed with other kids on field trips and tourists as well. There was this family that was Chinese/Japanese and every time we got the kids in a group photo to take a picture at every stop this family would be taking pictures of the class as well. Getting up close and snapping pictures. It was soooo weird! It was kind of funny, but another mom said that the Japanese really love to take pictures of Americans. When they were stationed in Japan they would constantly get their picture taken by the locals. They are amazed at the American's and how they have blonde hair blue eyes. It's quite humorous!

Anyway, the kids didn't really care about the monuments. They had more fun running around as we chased them and they cared more about the baby ducks that were in the reflecting pool. We probably walked three miles that day all around. It was exhausting!

I can't believe the school year is almost over. A little over a month to go and we will have a 2nd grader! Time sure does fly. My brother is coming out here mid June as well, which I am so excited for. We plan on going to Six Flags one day, and I would love to take him around and see some of the city he didn't get to see when he came down in 2007 when Curt was in the hospital still. That was a whirlwind time and we didn't get to see much. So I'm definitely looking forward to that.
My history class ends the week he gets here then I will be free for a month until my classes start back up in August. I signed up for a Literature class and a math class. I'm looking forward to having a break for the summer.

We have also decided what we are doing. As much as I still lean towards retirement and ending our time in the army. We have agreed that Curt is going to do COAD (continuation on active duty), which will get approved since the AW2 wounded soldiers are at 100% acceptance into the COAD program. He is going to finish his Bachelors on the army's dime, then get out and use his GI bill for his Master's. It's a win/win situation. Either way COAD or not, we will be moving back to Benning. He'll probably just get an instruction job at the Armor School for the next however many years it takes him to get his degree. Since COAD has no time limit it can be for as many years ad he chooses. He will still go through his PEB (physical evaluation board) that way when he chooses to stop COAD he won't have to go through the board again. They will just rate him at that point.

I'm excited about this opportunity and feel that it is the best decision.Even though I was all for seeing one more duty station, I feel like our time in the army is done. Let's finish this out and move on with our lives. He has definitely paid his dues to the military. It's time to move on and start our careers. I'm excited to settle down in Columbus, we're well on our way to buying our house, and raise our children there. Georgia is "home". I miss it, and can't wait to get back!

Time goes by...so slowly

And nothing seems to really change! I am ready for a break. I want to go somewhere. Where? I don't care! Anywhere! Just get me out of here for a vacation please. Hopefully going back home for the first time in a year and a half will fix that. It should be fun. We plan on leaving June 25th. If Curt can take leave we will be driving there of course. If he can't come with us, I am gonna fly. No way am I driving over twelve hours with two kids alone! We'll spend the first week in IL then go to Iowa to visit my mom and grandma. Who I can't wait to see! I miss my rah-rah so much. That is the only person I really care to go home for actually. We'll probably spend fourth of July there, then I would also love to make it down to see some friends in Missouri. Not sure yet exactly. We'll have to see if Curt can come with first.

Curt has been so busy lately with the Warrior Games coming up and training for that. Plus his regular physical therapy appointments and now Med board appts, I feel like he's rarely around. He's going to NYC this week to be on the Today show. And I must say I was pissed about that. They are doing a piece on him and his family can't come! The army pisses me off sometimes. He's gonna be gone Tuesday and Wednesday for that. Make sure you tune into the Today show this Wednesday to watch him! He's extremely nervous about it though. After that, the next week he'll be gone to the Wounded Warrior games in Colorado. He'll be gone for the whole week. After that things should calm down and he'll just have his regular stuff going on, including the Med board.

We're meeting with his AW2 lady to go over options. She talked to Curt already, but I want to talk to her too since I'm the one with all the plans. She made a good point and I kind of agree,even though I was set on retirement now and so was Curt. She said do COAD and finish his degree on the army's dime before retiring. Which actually makes a bit of sense to do. That way he will have his degree before getting out. She can do this caculator thing to tell us which one is the best option. And since COAD has no time limits as soon as he's done with his degree he can then do his board to retire. It's up to the soldier how long they want or choose to do COAD.

So now we're thinking about that. But like I said. I want to talk to Andrya before we truly decide. We'll see. If the Med Board finds him unfit is when we submit our request to do COAD. So we still have time to decide. I'm looking forward to sitting down with her so I can hear and ask questions myself.

Anyway, was at the ER all afternoon with Brandon. He has been cranky the past couple days. So I finally took him in and sure enough he has a double ear infection. Poor little guy! He's miserable. His temp was also up to 102, but has gone down since they gave him Tylenol. I hate when my babies are sick!
It was nice to have the past week off to recoup from these last two classes. My next class starts tomorrow. It's my only class for the next eight weeks. Then I'm taking a month off while we go home. I don't want to have to worry about school and vacation at the same time.

I also decided to become the Brownie leader for next year. I'm excited about that. I have to go away to some classes for it and become CPR and lifesaver certified, but I'm all for it. I want to do something and I think this is a great opportunity even if we're not here that much longer. I can carry it back to Georgia or wherever we may go if he stays in and still be a leader there as well. I'm excited for this new adventure!

Well, that's about it for our boring lives. Same old shit, different day!

It has begun!

Yup, his Med Board has officially started. With it brings tons of appointments. I'm excited yet nervous about this whole process. He brought home this huge folder and I sat and read it all. Then I sat and read the entire AR 40-501 Chapter 3. LOL. I really did. I analyzed the whole chapter. After reading it I'm pretty confident he will be found fit for duty and just have to change his MOS. Apparently the boards are running behind schedule. So his PEBLO told him we will be here approximately 300 more days. Well, that is how long the whole process could take. His MED board will be about 100 days and then the rest is the PEB (Physical Evaluation Board). He has to go get a full physical at the VA and he has his next appt. on Monday with ACAP (Army Career & Alumini Program). It sucks because I had to cancel my trip to Georgia since he will be having so many appointments for this. It's imperative that he is available for all appointments he needs to go to and some of his appts could even be on the weekends.
I am glad this is all getting underway though. After three years of waiting we will finally know our future.

In this packet he brought home there is this website you can go to and it will tell you what the VA has been rating people with similar injuries. From what I gathered Curt is looking at possibly getting 100% disability rating. At the very least he will get 60% which is still good. I like the thought of staying in the army (and Curt does want to stay in) but to me, the more I think about the, the more the thought of retirement sounds better and better. I mean we're doing extremely well saving. We have his entire social security money we get each moth going into two separate accounts. We've gotten a pretty good amount saved for both our emergency fund (which is untouchable) and our house fund. Our house fund is fairly new but we put over a grand in it a month and it makes good interest so we'll be fine once we do buy a house-- be it now if he gets retired or later on down the road.

I mean even though I am nervous about this process I'm also excited. I'm excited to get out of here. I'm excited if we get to stay in and where we would go next. I'm excited if they do retire him and we move back to Georgia, buy a house, settle down, and live life in one area. Something I want for my kids. Stability.

So I had my breakdown the other night. I don't think I slept that night at all. It felt good to get it all out, even if I did look like hell the next day with huge puffy eyes! haha I was just stressed out to the max. I mean I still am, but I'm trying to just roll with the punches and let things happen as they happen. There's no point worrying about the future or what is going to happen next. I just have to let it come at me when it comes at me. Worrying is getting me nothing but more stress and then I freak out and have a meltdown.

I think there is only so long I can hold myself together before I crack. It's not good. I need to let it out when it's building instead of waiting for the tide to come in. That does nothing but allow myself to drown! So..I'm trying to be more positive, go with the flow person. It's just hard when we have NO ONE here at all. No friends really, no support system here whatsoever. I have never missed Georgia more than I have lately. I mean, yes, we were ready to leave. To experience our first army move. I wouldn't take any of that back. I was definitely ready for a change. Georgia has some of my best memories and worst memories. I wanted to escape from my nightmares there. BUT I learned, you can't escape... no matter where you go. It still follows. My past will always haunt me I've learned. Change of scenery doesn't fix that!

I've also not been happy with my own self lately. I feel fat and disgusted at myself. I'm in a low place self esteem wise. I hate all my clothes, all my shoes, and especially the way I look. I mean before I was pregnant I was wearing a BIKINI, a bikini!!! Now I wouldn't be caught dead in one. I just want to be in the biggest tshirt I have and my sweatpants. I'm just in a bad spot right now with all that. After Brandon I was only 5 lbs away from my pre pregnancy weight...then it slowly started to come back on. Don't get me wrong, it was totally worth having my baby! But, it ruined me. I don't know if I'll ever look like I did pre-pregnancy. This is something else that has made me miss Georgia. I mean here, I can't go to the gym. I'm self conscious about it. So I just walk almost every day that I can all around the neighborhood. A good 40 minute daily walk. If I was in Georgia you bet your ass I would be at the gym with Amanda or Tracey! I hate working out alone and would love nothing more than to go the gym at one of their apartment complexes and work out for an hour. Sigh....maybe that will be a reality in 300 days! haha

Anyway, thats our life in a nutshell. Curt is training everday for these Warrior Games in a few weeks. I'm at home, miserable, contemplating life and all that, Kaylie is at school, Brandon is here with me of course. I feel we are in a rut, same thing day after day. I'm glad the Med board has started. It is the beginning to our future. And I'm ready for what it has to bring!

Decisons, decisions!!

Curt left today to go to San Antonio to train for archery for the Wounded Warrior Games in May. He'll be gone a week. Hopefully I can keep my head together since I have a HUGE research paper due on Sunday for History. I am doing the Battles of the American Revolution. Should be fun to write. HA. I am now wishing I would have chosen to do the Civil War. I find it much more interesting than the Revolution, but whatever. It'll be fine. This is my last two weeks of my History and English class. Then I have a week break before starting my next History class the first week of May. After that I am taking a month off since we'll be going home end of June early July and I don't want to have to be stressed out with school and trying to visit everyone.

Like I said the Wounded Warrior games are the second week of May in Colorado Springs. I've decided not to go, since they don't pay for families to travel, we don't want to spend 1300 bucks for us to go. That's money better saved. We are saving as much as we can. If Curt gets out of the army we will be buying a house, and I would like to have a good size down payment for that. This med board crap is starting to scare me. The paperwork has been submitted and now we are just waiting on his PEBLO liason to call him to begin the process. Curt is starting his last month of physical therapy, then he will just continue to go a couple times a week after that to keep his range of motion good. As far as the Med Board, I don't know too much about how it works. I know there are like 3 or 4 phases to it. I was talking to this one girl who's hubby just finished his board and has put on TDRL (temporary disability retirement list) which took 10 months!
That makes me nervous because Curt's ETS date is this November. Our ID's and Decals expire then. But apparently they can extend it up to 90 days while he finishes the med board.

Curt is actually still undecided on what he wants. There are a couple options I've been talking to him about. Stay in the army and stay a scout. He can transfer back to Benning and work at the Armor School the rest of his career. Transfer to Troy State in AL which offers his degree and finish up his Bachelor's and Master's while still serving. Then he can retire and get an awesome job with his degree's and his TS clearance. As will I. I would transfer to Columbus State and use the Hope scholarship which is free for military spouses stationed in GA. He said he doesn't like that idea though because he doesn't want to be stuck in one job forever. I told him that look at the real world. People work the same job their whole lives. It's no different.

2nd option is to reclass to MI and still finish his degrees before retiring.

3rd option is to medically retire (which he would get PDRL--permanent disablity retirement list), meaning his disabilities are permanent and will not be getting better, which they won't of course, and we move back to Columbus. Buy a house. Both of us transfer schools. He uses his GI bill and I use the HOPE scholarship. We get our degrees and then get great jobs. We would be set financially with all we have saved, including the down payment for our house. Plus his retirement money, social security benefits, and BAH still.

Any option actually works out well. It is just deciding what he wants to do. He has to let the PEBLO know that he intends to do COAD (continuation on active duty) if he stays in. It's just a huge ordeal and I'm nerous about what is going to happen.

Anyways! Other than all THAT stress. Things are moving along. Brandon had his six month check up last week. He is doing great. Weighs 16.3 lbs. Is a smiley, happy baby! He loves all his baby food, except peas. That is the only thing he refuses to eat. haha

Well, that's it for now. Gotta go hold down the fort while Daddies away. Kaylie has a friend over right now playing and I'm gonna get some stuff done (hopefully) before Brandon wakes up from his nap.

What will happen now?

Curt had an ortho appointment last week. We asked Dr. Eirle about him wearing a combat load because his PCM wants to know that for his permanent profile. Dr. Eirle said. "Well, I don't recommend and don't want you to do that. There is a difference between you can do and what you should do. Can you carry a combat load? Sure you can. Should you carry a combat load...no. Just like people who run on their knee replacements. Should you run? Of course not. Do people do it anyway. Yes they do"
Curt told him of course he is going to take his advice. We want this knee to last as long as possible. We definitely don't want to wear it down any faster than what has already happened. Being Curt got a "special" one done anyway than what is normal due to the blast damage and THEN dealing with when it got infected Dr. Eirle is totally against him doing anything that would wear it down. So...no combat load. Which means no deployments. Ever. Again. I must say, that's fine by me. And fine by Curt too I think. He can still go to other countries though, like Qatar or Kuwait, places like that, but no combat zones.

What this means though is no more MMRB. He goes straight to the MED board. His PCM still believes (she is board certified) that he will be found fit for duty with limitations of course. I guess we'll see what happens. Curt wants to stay in and will request COAD for wounded soldiers. For you non military people that is Continuing On Active Duty. It allows soldiers with severe injuries to stay in and not be medically retired. The MED board will take longer. So Curt thinks we'll be here through another winter...which totally blows! I asked him last night (jokingly) to request to go back to Benning to complete his MED board. LOL. I wish!

We also found out this week he made the Warrior Games. That will be in May in Colorado and we all get to go. Should be fun. I've never been to that side of the country so I'm excited about that. I just hope the weather is nice!

We have no big plans for spring break. We're staying put here. We are going home this summer. I have a wedding to go to in June that I am really looking forward to. My friends Heather and Jerome from high school are finally getting hitched. They have been together since junior year. Heather and Jerome sent me a message saying how much they wanted me to come since I was the one who introduced them to each other and hooked them up. I thought that was so sweet!! Me and Heather were really good friends back in school and I would love to see those two! It's been eleven years since we graduated! Wow...

Brandon is rolling all over. I am bringing his playpen downstairs soon because everytime I leave him on the floor and come back from the bathroom or kitchen he has usually rolled himself under the coffee table and is eating the newspapers. haha
He'll be crawling before we know it! He LOVES eating. The only food he hasn't liked is peas. But who does? He is also gaining more and more personality and showing when he gets mad how he likes to buck. I love my little man!
Kaylie is doing good in school and loving girl scouts.

Other than that...I got nothing else!

My patience is being tested

Just a quick little update.

Curt got his secret secret stuff done and completed! Whoo-hoo. He is so excited about that. It will open many doors for him. It took almost ten months to get. It is very hard to get and not many MOSs in the Army call for this, so I'm excited that he is excited. haha
A little setback, well not really, is that the therapist wants him to continue PT. He wants him to be able to bend his knee to 120. Well, we both know for a fact that will not happen. But whatever, if this guy wants him to try I guess Curt has no choice. So the MMRB is out for March and probably April too. Curt says probably May timeframe now. Which just sucks in a way, since I am so ready to get out of here and off to someplace WARM!!! But I know we gotta get him thru all that he has to do before we can get on with our lives. I just feel like after three very long stressful years, I am ready to know our fate, ready to know what the future is holding.
I am trying to be patient, buttt, I am ready to move on with our lives already. It has been the most anxious three years of our lives! I'm ready for answers! So...that is what it is and I am trying to be patient. Curt is taking the FAST class in April to raise his GT score. So this is kind of a blessing in disguise I guess that everything is being pushed back (gotta love the army motto of hurry up and wait). Then we'll go through the MMRB whenever it finally happens.

I asked Curt what he thinks if they let him stay a scout. He said he doesn't want to, because he can never BE a scout again. So he def wants to reclass. And def to MI. Especially now that he has the "secret secret stuff". Which I can't talk about.
Ummm, lets see. If he does go MI, that school is in Arizona. I'm thinking that even though it is not a PCS move since its only 18 or 19 weeks, I am going to move there anyway out of pocket. I don't want to live here alone. No way in hell. This is too big of a city for me and I am so not comfortable with it. Buuut, in reality I will probably stay here because it is just easier. haha
I don't like moving so I will probably suck it up and get through the five months and just fly down there whenever I can to visit.

I am itching to get this all done and over with, but I am praying to the Lord to give me a little more patience. Three years is a long time. I'm ready. He's ready. Let's move on! I can't wait till the day I can say what our fate FINALLY is.

On another note. I've been doing some thinking and Curt has as well. I keep throwing Hawaii back and forth. One very good point I brought up to Curt and my family is if we just go back to Georgia I can switch schools and use the HOPE sholarship which allows military spouses to go to college for free. That is a huge plus!!! Since loans are not an option for me at all, it seems logical to do this. But on the flip side, I see Hawaii as a once in a lifetime opportunity. Plus it is not forever. I would just have to search harder for grants and scholarships.

I've decided to just leave it up to fate and God. Whatever happens happens and I will accept whatever that may be with open arms. Who knows, with our luck they will just send us to Alaska for all we know! haha :)