Lets talk about my issues and other things..shall we?

Tomorrow is my doctor's appt for my anxiety issues. I am having major anxiety about talking about my anxiety to the doc. I'm hoping it goes good and I can get some meds and possibly a referral to counseling. I think it would help on top of the meds. I'm not one to take medicine unless absolutely necessary so I don't want to be on it forever. I plan on telling her about what triggers my anxiety. Like for example two nights ago when I went upstairs to bed I started thinking about what I would do if the house caught on fire and we were trapped upstairs. I started to have a panic attack just thinking about that happening! I started to sweat and panic and I wanted to run downstairs and make sure the burners were off on the stove, etc. It's awful. Brandon crying today for over an hour on the way home from Baltimore was so frikin stressful. I couldn't take it. I wanted to burst into tears. My anxiety level was thru the roof. Maybe I have PPD, or PTSD or something, or maybe it is just bad anxiety and panic attacks. We'll see what the doc has to say tomorrow. I'm nervous!!

Speaking of Brandon, it really does cause me major anxiety every time we go somewhere. He does NOT do good in the car. He does horrible. We learned that on our way to IA/IL and back. It was a horrible car trip. It made me want him to grow up already and not be a baby anymore. I can't handle the stress of him crying in his seat on trips. I want to do so much this summer, but I'm held back by him. I want to go to the beach this weekend, which is like 3 hours a way. But if B can't handle an hour car ride, he certainly can't handle a three hour one. So I'm held back on wanting to go. I also want to go to the Shenandoah Caverns, which are like two hours away. But again, I'm held back, because I get stressed thinking about dealing with Brandon. He just doesn't do good when his schedule is messed up. We are on a pretty good schedule and he has set times for naps and bed, so when we venture out and his schedule gets thrown off he becomes horrible. Like today. It was awful. I can't deal with it.

Which is part of the reason I have become such a hermit. I don't want to go anywhere. I do, in all honesty, WANT to go out, but I FEEL I can't. It sucks. I hate this. Ugh...

I want to enjoy life, live life, and I feel held back by all these issues I have. I want to be FREE, I want to go do stuff and not give a shit what happens. I want to not be so uptight, I want to let loose and have FUN, like I used to. I used to be such a fun person. I used to not give a hoot about anything. I didn't care what people thought of me, I could piss you off and not care, I could be goofy and crazy and not care. I have lost that part of me. And I hate that. I want to find myself again and get my life back. I don't want to be held back by these monsters and demons anymore. So that is one of my goals right now. To get ME back!!

While Curt was gone I did good. No break downs, no stress really. I had a nice time with the kids. I'm so bored not being in school right now though and am excited for classes to start back again in a few weeks. Give me something to do. We have a busy time starting up soon with Curt finishing up his ACAP appts and his VA physical on the 11th. So he's the busy one really, not me.. I have first aid and CPR training and certification on Aug 14th. School shopping to start soon, and hopefully heading down to GA to meet with the realtor and builder end of Aug, beginning of Sep before school starts. Yay!!!

The first day of school is Sep 7th. So we have a while yet before we need to seriously start school shopping, but I'm ready for school to start up again. I'm ready to start my Girl scout leadership and open myself up to new experiences. And I also can't believe my BABY is going to be one year's old in just a few short months. where has time gone?!?! I am amazed how fast time goes by. I really am. Makes me sad.

Well, I will update after my doctors appt tomorrow, give the verdict. Wish me luck!! And less anxiety!!!