Jumbled mess

So a month or so ago I was supposed to go to the doctor for my anxiety problems. Buttt, I ended up canceling the appointment. Why? Because I'm anxious about talking to the doctor about my anxiety. I'm anxious about being anxious!!!! It's so frustrating. Every day I tell myself I'm going to call and make another appt, but I never do. I keep saying "I'll do it tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow". I just need someone to FORCE me to do it. I know it would help a lot to get some type of medicine. I'm beginning to think I suffer from severe anxiety. I think counseling would help as well. I really do.

I was talking to Curt about all this tonight. How I get anxious if Kaylie doesn't listen to me right away the first time I tell her something. I get anxiety if Brandon is crying too much. I get anxious going out and doing stuff in public (event type things). Which I am working on. I mean I want to do SO MUCH, but my anxiety issues hold me back. I would love to venture out and try new things, I would absolutely love it. But again my anxiety holds me back. I start to sweat bullets, sometimes so bad I have to change clothes. I am trying to get more involved by becoming a brownie leader, since Girl Scouts are so active. I'm hoping it will help me branch out a little and start to overcome these massive issues I have.

It's confusing to me, because I do consider myself a confident person. I usually say what is on my mind, and speak the truth. But on the flip side, I have my days where I am soooo not confident and want to shrink into myself and melt away. Why am I like this?? Why am I so scared sometimes? I have my days where I feel I can conquer the world and everything in it and days I feel like such a loser.

I know I'm a complicated person. I used to be so care-free and so happy most of the time. Always had a smile on my face. Now I find myself a big ball of emotions. I am moody. Everyone knows that. I have my ups and downs. I've always been moody, but at the same time, I lived life back then! I want to be that way again. To just LIVE and not care what anyone thinks of me, or how I might look in public by what I'm saying or doing at the time. Isn't that what life is really about? Having fun and living it in every way possible?
I think so...it's time to confront my anxiety issues and my demons and start LIVING!