Made the mistake of stepping on the scale this morning and realized due to my horrible eating habits over the weekend I gained a few pounds. That set my morning in motion of feeling depressed. Then I started thinking about how much my ankles hurt from running, which led me to thinking how old I am, which led me to think about how much I feel my life is over. Yuuuppp, gonna be one of "those" days.
Then as I ran to the commissary this morning I was thinking about Curt getting out of the army and how much I don't want him to. It seriously brings me to tears thinking about it. I absolutely LOVE the military lifestyle. I am going to cry when we finally get our orders to leave. Seriously. THEN I started thinking about how I got into HPU for my MSW and how I gave that up because I thought we would be gone by now and started crying just thinking about that. I just feel like I have given up so much for nothing. I have wasted so much of my life just being a mom and not focusing on me and what I want out of my life.
Then we have all this transition crap we are dealing with and how we can't get a place to live because we don't have jobs and we can't get jobs because we have NO idea when we will be back to the mainland. It's so frustrating!!!
I guess today is just one of those days where I feel like a failure and how its too late to do anything productive with my life. I'm sure I'll get out of the funk soon though. Sigh....
Monday, September 15, 2014
Monday, July 28, 2014
Change is scary!!
So here we are....still on the "getting out of the army" train. No idea when his last day will be. No idea when we will be leaving here. No idea what is going to happen. No idea where we are going to live. No idea where we are going to work. That is a lot of unknowns! I think the most terrifying aspect for me is getting jobs. Where are we going to work? When should we start applying for jobs? It's hard to apply for jobs when we have no idea when we can actually start! I hate this. It is so stressful. So many different factors right now and I can't stand it. It's driving me bonkers!!
My degree will be conferred on August 15th and then I can get my official transcripts. That is when I plan on applying for jobs full throttle. If it means I get a job offer and have to leave Hawaii before Curt, well...that is an option. Ugh. I freaking hate change!!! And I will so miss the army. It's been our life for twelve years so its hard to walk away and start a new chapter in our lives.
On other fronts, school starts for Kaylie on Friday. Yes, a Friday. Stupid, but whatever! I'm so nervous for my baby girl to be in middle school. She is nervous too, but we'll see how things go. Fingers crossed for her and for my mama nerves! ;)
I have decided to homeschool Brandon for pre-k until we figure out where we are going and if they even have pre-k options. I just can't fathom paying $140 a month for a 3 day a week 3 hour program here. I got his entire homeschool curriculum for an entire year for $185! So $140 a month is more than what we are willing to pay for him at this time. Especially with Curt getting out and all the unknown factors surrounding that situation.
I just feel lost right now and that I have no control over any situation. I know in the end we will be okay, but it's still scary as the life transition approaches. Pray and cross your fingers that we get jobs fairly quickly and find a roof for our heads!!
My degree will be conferred on August 15th and then I can get my official transcripts. That is when I plan on applying for jobs full throttle. If it means I get a job offer and have to leave Hawaii before Curt, well...that is an option. Ugh. I freaking hate change!!! And I will so miss the army. It's been our life for twelve years so its hard to walk away and start a new chapter in our lives.
On other fronts, school starts for Kaylie on Friday. Yes, a Friday. Stupid, but whatever! I'm so nervous for my baby girl to be in middle school. She is nervous too, but we'll see how things go. Fingers crossed for her and for my mama nerves! ;)
I have decided to homeschool Brandon for pre-k until we figure out where we are going and if they even have pre-k options. I just can't fathom paying $140 a month for a 3 day a week 3 hour program here. I got his entire homeschool curriculum for an entire year for $185! So $140 a month is more than what we are willing to pay for him at this time. Especially with Curt getting out and all the unknown factors surrounding that situation.
I just feel lost right now and that I have no control over any situation. I know in the end we will be okay, but it's still scary as the life transition approaches. Pray and cross your fingers that we get jobs fairly quickly and find a roof for our heads!!
Friday, July 18, 2014
Progress is motivation
On a good note, I am down 4.5 pounds in almost three weeks. Slowly, but surely! I think getting off of Celexa was the best thing for my weight loss. I worked out hard like this before early this year and didn't lose a single pound so I gave up. Now that I am off anxiety meds, the weight is coming off with exercise and watching what I'm eating!!
Also I've noticed that at night time is when I begin mindlessly eating. The other night I went into the kitchen and started looking for something to eat. I thought "what am I doing, I'm not even hungry!" And I wasn't hungry! So I just went back in the living room and sat down and started reading my book. About 45 minutes later I did the same thing again. I started yelling at myself in my head to stop it and go sit down, I'm not hungry!!! My brain is telling me that I'm bored so let's get something to eat, but my body is not hungry. I've conditioned myself to eat even when I don't need to.
Just something I've noticed this past week. So the boredom eating needs to stop!!!
Also I've noticed that at night time is when I begin mindlessly eating. The other night I went into the kitchen and started looking for something to eat. I thought "what am I doing, I'm not even hungry!" And I wasn't hungry! So I just went back in the living room and sat down and started reading my book. About 45 minutes later I did the same thing again. I started yelling at myself in my head to stop it and go sit down, I'm not hungry!!! My brain is telling me that I'm bored so let's get something to eat, but my body is not hungry. I've conditioned myself to eat even when I don't need to.
Just something I've noticed this past week. So the boredom eating needs to stop!!!
Sunday, July 13, 2014
My worst enemy
My worst enemy right now is my weight. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but it is one of THE hardest issues I am dealing with in my life. Since we moved to Hawaii I have gained so much weight. I weighed 133 when we moved here in December 2011. Now...get ready...I weigh 169.5. Yup, you read that right 169.5. I am overweight...and the heaviest I have ever been in my life. I hate it. It makes me depressed. I get short of breath climbing the stairs and almost none of my clothes fit me. I had to buy new shorts because I couldn't fit in my size 12 anymore. So yes...I am a size 14 right now. So freakin' depressing.
One of my New Year's resolutions was to lose 30 pounds this year. I started off good, then fell off the bandwagon. Now I'm trying to jump back on it. But its SO hard. I love food. During times of stress its my saving grace. I'm an emotional eater. We have so much stress in our lives right now with Curt getting out of the army that I have turned to food to help comfort myself. Because of that I have gained 10 pounds in that last month. It's horrible!! I've cried over it, I've felt so sad over it, I've delved into depression over it. I HATE it.
I don't have anyone to do this for but myself and my family. My kids especially. I want them to see that being healthy is important but, again, its so hard giving up food I love. I'm trying though. I've been working out an hour a day. 30 minutes of Jillian Michael's Total Body Revolution in the morning and 30 minutes of walking/jogging on the treadmill in the evening. It hurts. My entire body was sore. I think I started to overdo it because I started feeling horrible. So I've cut back on that hour a day and only do 30 minutes now. I have been alternating DVD's and Treadmill. My off day is Sunday where I do nothing. I also am on a 1200 calorie diet. Somedays I go over that amount, but not by much. I had 70 calories left over yesterday so there are also days I don't even reach that 1200 calories. I was also so proud of myself the other day. I wanted a McDonald's cheeseburger so bad and instead of going and satisfying that craving I opted to eat an apple with peanut butter instead. It's the small things like that that are going to make the difference for me! I was proud of myself for making that decision!
I am also trying to cut out pop. Which is hard for me. I'm a Mountain Dew addict. I mean I don't drink a lot of pop a day. Two cans, sometimes three, so at least I'm not drinking a case a day or anything crazy. The last two days I limited myself to one a day of the small cans and I did good. Today I tried none at all and am now nursing a horrible headache. But at least my water intake has increased.
I think the most frustrating thing for me is I want instant results and when I don't see them I get discouraged, frustrated, and just want to give up. I think about that all the time. I know they say it takes awhile to see results so I just have to stick with it and push through those discouraging thoughts. And I am setting short goals for myself in 10 pound increments. That way I don't feel that my goal is out of reach. Little goals help to reach the bigger goal in the end.
I think this is going to be a battle for me. But I'm trying and that's what counts!!
One of my New Year's resolutions was to lose 30 pounds this year. I started off good, then fell off the bandwagon. Now I'm trying to jump back on it. But its SO hard. I love food. During times of stress its my saving grace. I'm an emotional eater. We have so much stress in our lives right now with Curt getting out of the army that I have turned to food to help comfort myself. Because of that I have gained 10 pounds in that last month. It's horrible!! I've cried over it, I've felt so sad over it, I've delved into depression over it. I HATE it.
I don't have anyone to do this for but myself and my family. My kids especially. I want them to see that being healthy is important but, again, its so hard giving up food I love. I'm trying though. I've been working out an hour a day. 30 minutes of Jillian Michael's Total Body Revolution in the morning and 30 minutes of walking/jogging on the treadmill in the evening. It hurts. My entire body was sore. I think I started to overdo it because I started feeling horrible. So I've cut back on that hour a day and only do 30 minutes now. I have been alternating DVD's and Treadmill. My off day is Sunday where I do nothing. I also am on a 1200 calorie diet. Somedays I go over that amount, but not by much. I had 70 calories left over yesterday so there are also days I don't even reach that 1200 calories. I was also so proud of myself the other day. I wanted a McDonald's cheeseburger so bad and instead of going and satisfying that craving I opted to eat an apple with peanut butter instead. It's the small things like that that are going to make the difference for me! I was proud of myself for making that decision!
I am also trying to cut out pop. Which is hard for me. I'm a Mountain Dew addict. I mean I don't drink a lot of pop a day. Two cans, sometimes three, so at least I'm not drinking a case a day or anything crazy. The last two days I limited myself to one a day of the small cans and I did good. Today I tried none at all and am now nursing a horrible headache. But at least my water intake has increased.
I think the most frustrating thing for me is I want instant results and when I don't see them I get discouraged, frustrated, and just want to give up. I think about that all the time. I know they say it takes awhile to see results so I just have to stick with it and push through those discouraging thoughts. And I am setting short goals for myself in 10 pound increments. That way I don't feel that my goal is out of reach. Little goals help to reach the bigger goal in the end.
I think this is going to be a battle for me. But I'm trying and that's what counts!!
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Different Roads May Lead to Different Opportunites... and a Road to Success
Since Curt is getting out of the army now I am terrified for the future. The army has been such a stable career for us that the thought of becoming "civilians" is terrifying!! I am beyond stressed about where we will live, where we will work, and how we are going to transition smoothly with as few hiccups as possible.
I am still moving forward with graduate school. Classes start September 2nd so I have all summer to ponder and work out plans A, B, C, D, and E. As long as I can complete at least one semester of my social work program I can transfer to another school. So fingers crossed we are here until December! ;)
I have already researched and bookmarked several schools in both Iowa and Illinois for a social work transfer. So fingers crossed things work out!!
In other ventures, I have also enrolled in a real estate school through Prudential Hawaii. This is my fall back in case things go crazy and my MSW will have to wait awhile. The class seems fun and I have a year to complete it. They prepare you for the state exam and the material seems well laid out and easy to follow. I will do my best in this course and hopefully pass the licensure exam with flying colors when I feel ready to take it!! I love real estate and took two classes in real estate during college so this is right up my alley as well. Not to mention my love of HGTV and scowering real estate sites daily for houses!!
I have also applied for a few jobs. One being the FBI as an entry level human resource assistant or intelligence analyst. I have already completed the questionnaire, location preferences, and resume screening and have received my third call back from them already. My resume has been forwarded to the hiring managers in my preferred areas I selected so now I just wait for an opening. That was pretty exciting!!
The last avenue I am pursuing is the air force. I have already talked to the health professions recruiter and I have to wait until mid-July to hear what is going on. I am applying for the Health Professions Scholarship Program for my MSW. The air force is the only branch that offers this and it is extremely competitive. They won't even know if there are any scholarships available until mid-July which is why I stated that earlier. He didn't want to tell me that I will be disqualified for my high blood pressure because he did have a PA (physicians assistant) get a scholarship and he had high cholesterol. So its a 50/50 chance and it is ultimately up to the doctor's at MEPS.It would be amazing to get a scholarship and have my MSW paid for! Like I told the recruiter, the worst they can say is no... and if I don't try I am telling myself the answer is already no!
I have also applied to other odds and ends jobs that I am not too keen on, but I am pushing myself to make something of myself! Life is full of opportunities and I am working towards a few of them that may or may not work out! Who knows! I feel there is no harm in trying and I can feel rewarded just knowing I tried my best and did my best at anything I am working towards.
The sky's the limit! What are you waiting for? :)
I am still moving forward with graduate school. Classes start September 2nd so I have all summer to ponder and work out plans A, B, C, D, and E. As long as I can complete at least one semester of my social work program I can transfer to another school. So fingers crossed we are here until December! ;)
I have already researched and bookmarked several schools in both Iowa and Illinois for a social work transfer. So fingers crossed things work out!!
In other ventures, I have also enrolled in a real estate school through Prudential Hawaii. This is my fall back in case things go crazy and my MSW will have to wait awhile. The class seems fun and I have a year to complete it. They prepare you for the state exam and the material seems well laid out and easy to follow. I will do my best in this course and hopefully pass the licensure exam with flying colors when I feel ready to take it!! I love real estate and took two classes in real estate during college so this is right up my alley as well. Not to mention my love of HGTV and scowering real estate sites daily for houses!!
I have also applied for a few jobs. One being the FBI as an entry level human resource assistant or intelligence analyst. I have already completed the questionnaire, location preferences, and resume screening and have received my third call back from them already. My resume has been forwarded to the hiring managers in my preferred areas I selected so now I just wait for an opening. That was pretty exciting!!
The last avenue I am pursuing is the air force. I have already talked to the health professions recruiter and I have to wait until mid-July to hear what is going on. I am applying for the Health Professions Scholarship Program for my MSW. The air force is the only branch that offers this and it is extremely competitive. They won't even know if there are any scholarships available until mid-July which is why I stated that earlier. He didn't want to tell me that I will be disqualified for my high blood pressure because he did have a PA (physicians assistant) get a scholarship and he had high cholesterol. So its a 50/50 chance and it is ultimately up to the doctor's at MEPS.It would be amazing to get a scholarship and have my MSW paid for! Like I told the recruiter, the worst they can say is no... and if I don't try I am telling myself the answer is already no!
I have also applied to other odds and ends jobs that I am not too keen on, but I am pushing myself to make something of myself! Life is full of opportunities and I am working towards a few of them that may or may not work out! Who knows! I feel there is no harm in trying and I can feel rewarded just knowing I tried my best and did my best at anything I am working towards.
The sky's the limit! What are you waiting for? :)
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Transitioning is terrifying
Hello everyone! I know it's been awhile since I wrote last. I am OFFICIALLY done with my BA program!! My graduation date is August 15th, but I am done! Feels so good. I can't wait to get that degree in the mail and show it off proudly. Kaylie is now done with elementary school and will start middle school in August. I can't believe that either! Where did my baby girl go??? It's crazy to watch time just pass by and before I even realize it I have a kid in middle school and a kid starting pre-k soon.
So Curt has decided to medically retire. He feels there are no opportunities left for him in the army to further his career so is starting the transition back to the WTU to start the med board again. Since he's already been through it he now only has to complete the rating portion so it will go much faster. We are both nervous as hell about this, but I will support him. He is working closely with his AW2 coordinator and she has passed on to us many resources to help us as we start our civilian lives.
We will be moving back to the midwest and closer to family for awhile. Neither of us want to live there long term, but I'm not ready to think that far ahead in the game. For right now we are concentrating on the immediate future and all the changes that are going to happen which is stressful enough.
I'm still going forward with my MSW program at HPU starting in September. As long as I can complete one semester I can transfer schools. I actually have a lot going on behind the scenes that I am working on, but I don't want to mention them before I get anything concrete. All I will say is I am trying my hardest to help out my family for the future. Fingers crossed for the few avenues I am working on! I will work hard and try my best to make my future bright for my family and do whatever it takes!
It's so stressful though. I have so many different opportunities to explore that I wish sometimes someone would just tell me which road to take and which one is best for my family. The army has truly been great to us. I will miss it terribly. It's been all I have known for the past 12 years. It is so hard imagining ourselves out of the army and living in the "real" world.
Leaving Hawaii will also be hard. I truly like it here. It is a great place to live and raise a family, the only con is its so far away from anyone. I wish we could stay here permanently, and I will miss the aloha spirit and aloha lifestyle with all my heart, but its much more important to be closer to family who can help us out and be able to go to family functions again.
Anyway, not much more I can say on any of these subjects. Just wish us luck for the future! And I will update again soon.
Aloha!
So Curt has decided to medically retire. He feels there are no opportunities left for him in the army to further his career so is starting the transition back to the WTU to start the med board again. Since he's already been through it he now only has to complete the rating portion so it will go much faster. We are both nervous as hell about this, but I will support him. He is working closely with his AW2 coordinator and she has passed on to us many resources to help us as we start our civilian lives.
We will be moving back to the midwest and closer to family for awhile. Neither of us want to live there long term, but I'm not ready to think that far ahead in the game. For right now we are concentrating on the immediate future and all the changes that are going to happen which is stressful enough.
I'm still going forward with my MSW program at HPU starting in September. As long as I can complete one semester I can transfer schools. I actually have a lot going on behind the scenes that I am working on, but I don't want to mention them before I get anything concrete. All I will say is I am trying my hardest to help out my family for the future. Fingers crossed for the few avenues I am working on! I will work hard and try my best to make my future bright for my family and do whatever it takes!
It's so stressful though. I have so many different opportunities to explore that I wish sometimes someone would just tell me which road to take and which one is best for my family. The army has truly been great to us. I will miss it terribly. It's been all I have known for the past 12 years. It is so hard imagining ourselves out of the army and living in the "real" world.
Leaving Hawaii will also be hard. I truly like it here. It is a great place to live and raise a family, the only con is its so far away from anyone. I wish we could stay here permanently, and I will miss the aloha spirit and aloha lifestyle with all my heart, but its much more important to be closer to family who can help us out and be able to go to family functions again.
Anyway, not much more I can say on any of these subjects. Just wish us luck for the future! And I will update again soon.
Aloha!
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Grad school!!
It's official!! I was accepted into Hawaii Pacific University's MSW (Master's in Social Work) program!! Due to that Curt has started the paperwork to put in a request to stay here another tour, because technically we are supposed to leave this December! But since I have been accepted I will suck it up and stay here to complete my MSW. If it means staying in Hawaii longer for me to finish school, so be it. Of course the army has to approve the request to stay so its not guaranteed yet. But still, I am crossing my fingers tight it all works out! If not, well then I guess its not meant to be right now.
I am going through the motions like we are staying here. I have already paid my non refundable deposit to HPU to hold my spot and have talked over the phone with the director of the social work program to go over my first semester classes. I have also submitted my field placement for my first practicum. It will be at the army community service building right here on post, which is perfect! I am so excited thinking about this. Grad school is not easy to get into as it is very competitive and I am so proud of myself that they liked my essay, GPA, letter of intent, and my letters of recommendation from my professors! I'm stoked. In two years I can have my MSW and take the state test to become a licensed social worker. I'm accomplishing my dreams one step at a time! But now we wait on the army to decide our fate. Will my road to grad school start this fall or will it have to wait another year?? Fingers crossed!
I have only three weeks left in my bachelor's program and am looking forward to being done. It's something that I have wanted so bad for so many years and I am sooo close to being done! I'm proud of myself for completing that degree as well.
Nothing comes easy in life without hard work and dedication and for the past 4 years I have dedicated myself to completing my BA and will spend the next few years accomplishing my MSW! Wish me luck on this path, it won't be an easy one to finish! But I'm definitely up for the challenge!
I am going through the motions like we are staying here. I have already paid my non refundable deposit to HPU to hold my spot and have talked over the phone with the director of the social work program to go over my first semester classes. I have also submitted my field placement for my first practicum. It will be at the army community service building right here on post, which is perfect! I am so excited thinking about this. Grad school is not easy to get into as it is very competitive and I am so proud of myself that they liked my essay, GPA, letter of intent, and my letters of recommendation from my professors! I'm stoked. In two years I can have my MSW and take the state test to become a licensed social worker. I'm accomplishing my dreams one step at a time! But now we wait on the army to decide our fate. Will my road to grad school start this fall or will it have to wait another year?? Fingers crossed!
I have only three weeks left in my bachelor's program and am looking forward to being done. It's something that I have wanted so bad for so many years and I am sooo close to being done! I'm proud of myself for completing that degree as well.
Nothing comes easy in life without hard work and dedication and for the past 4 years I have dedicated myself to completing my BA and will spend the next few years accomplishing my MSW! Wish me luck on this path, it won't be an easy one to finish! But I'm definitely up for the challenge!
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