Stressed out!

I think I have found the route of my never ending stress battle. I want control....and I don't have control over anything related to the big stuff in our lives.

Curt's ETS date is Aug 8th. That is three weeks away. I am stressed about that because while we were on leave his COAD paperwork came in and now we are waiting on the retention lady to get his re-enlistment paperwork together. Which we have been waiting on since we got back from leave. I'm stressing out that it is going to take forever and our ID's will expire and then we have to deal with all of that. That means no shopping at the commissary, px, nothing. It will suck. I mean I know I always think worst case scenario and I don't think we will be waiting three weeks for his reenlistment to go through, but its the army we are talking about so anything is possible!

I just feel like we have been waiting on things to happen for four years plus now! First we waited for his surgeries, then we waited for doctors opinions, then we waited to move here, then we waited for more appointments and surgeries, then we waited a very long time for the med board to be complete, then we waited on COAD, now we wait on reenlistment, then we wait on actual paper orders, etc, etc. It's exhausting waiting! And frankly I'm tired of it!

Even our upcoming move is beyond my control. I like to plan and have a plan "A" and plan "B". We don't even have an exact date of when we will move. It is more than likely October, but at this point with Hawaii we need more time than that. We need time to get Command Sponsorship done. Our new hospital opens Aug 10th and appts are basically impossible to get right now as they start the transition. Everyone moving overseas is having the problem of getting their paperwork done. It's next to impossible right now. No appts available for EFMP screening. It's ridiculous. At this point, I asked Curt to tell his branch manager to push it to November if he can. That gives us time to get CS done, movers situated, Katy's quarantine period will be done mid-October, etc. Way less stressful than trying to move at the end of September, beginning October. Especially since school here starts for Kaylie Sept 6th. I would hate for her to only go to school for two weeks and then be out for a long while.

At this point I have no clue what is going on. I am so stressed out about all this, I even told Curt to forget Hawaii and we'll just go to Benning so its easier on me mentally. I'm terrified of this move I have never moved that far away before and as exciting as it is, it is also scary as hell. I see myself having a mental breakdown from dealing with all this stress. I just want it all to be over with. I want to be settled. I want all these things I can't control to be over with. I just want some aspect of my life I can control at this point. This move is totally gonna suck! I think about moving to Hawaii and how stressful it will be, then I think of Georgia also and how stressful even that would be! Its a no win situation. So I guess I just have to find ways to deal with it.

I think this goes to show myself that I don't handle stress well. My life has been so stressful since June 1, 2007. If I could take it all back I would. It has changed me dramatically from the person I was, and frankly I don't really care for this neurotic, uptight, stressed out individual. I am even starting to give up the things I love. I used to love cooking and now resent it, I used to love going places, now I don't, I used to love cruising around or taking a drive by myself and now I never do that.

I am fighting to get myself back. I want to be ME again. I want some control over my life. I don't like to focus on the negative and I try not to, but its hard. My life has not gone in the direction I wanted it to, and I'm working hard on accepting that and making the life I have left worthwhile.
I look at my two beautiful children and am thankful I have them to ground me. I cannot picture my life without them. I try to concentrate on the good and it works most of the time, but every now and again I reach those dark spots and I let them get to me and break me down again.

I have this constant battle going on in my head and I'll be good for awhile, then slide back into depression. But really what am I depressed about? Just what has transpired over the course of the last four years? That is a huge part of it yes, but what else? My weight? Of course, I did good for awhile, then grew bored and am now back to how I was before. It's depressing. And what do I do..I turn to food to help cope. Not a good move. I am really gonna try to start going for a walk when I get in those moods instead of walking into the kitchen. I'm gonna try to distract myself in other ways besides turning to food for comfort.

I need to find something to keep myself occupied and busy. I do nothing all day but sit at home and play with Brandon or read outside while he naps. I need to get out there again. But I find myself socially awkward. I have never been a big talker. I am more of a listener. And I always kick myself if we are at the park and a fellow mom will try to start a conversation with me and I feel awkward. I have never been socially comfortable. Then when we leave I am yelling at myself in my head of things I could have or should have said to the mom. Sigh...

Anyway, there's a tiny peek inside my mentally unstable head!