Meltdown

I'm up way too early as usual! I'm going to be kicking myself for this once school starts back up!! Speaking of school I'm in two classes right now, Biology and Personality Theories. Both are high demand classes so I feel like I have less free time than usual for the next eight weeks. I'm already stressing this week getting work done! I can't believe I am almost half way done with my degree. It's so exciting!!

I haven't been sleeping good lately. I know it has to do with stress. This past weekend I had a meltdown again. I so hate when that happens. I just let the stress build up and build up until I just have a breakdown. I cried myself to sleep and then woke up about 30 minutes later and cried some more. I cried for three hours that night and another hour in the morning. I was doing some heavy thinking about my life and how sad I am about the way it turned out. I mean, I know there is nothing I can do about it except concentrate on the future, but its hard. I have so much depression and anxiety ever since Curt was injured. That was the turning point in our lives. I hate that this happened not only to him, but to me. It has broken me down. As I explained to Curt that next morning that he's not the only one affected by his injuries, it has affected me deeply as well. I have had to deal with the stress of him being in the hospital multiple times, deal with him seeing multiple doctors, multiple surgeries, "medicine problems", a seizure, and a plethora of other things I won't get into on a personal blog.

Dealing with all of that has put a lot of emotional stress on me. For the past four years I have only worried about Curt and my children. I have always put myself second. And I just can't do it anymore. I seriously sometimes think of putting myself in a clinic until I am treated for my depression. I need to detox myself. It would do me a world of good to have some down time. As soon as we move I most definitely want to find a counselor I love! I need someone to talk to.
That is another thing that has gotten me down. I feel so alone and that I have no one to share my deepest darkest secrets that won't hold it against me.

I can't talk to my mom, because, well, she is not one to have a deep conversation with. She never gets it. I won't talk to my sister because, well, she USED to know all my darkest aspects but then when we fought she burned me so bad by throwing a lot of stuff back in my face. I vowed I would never ever, ever let that happen again. I will never, ever tell her anything that she could burn me with again. That hurt beyond belief and I def learned my lesson on that.
I don't want to talk to my friends about it, because I would hate for them to start looking at me differently about my crazy life and I don't want them to feel burdened by me and my problems.
I would only be fully comfortable talking to a counselor who I know has to by law hold everything in confidence!
I hate feeling like that. I hate holding it all in and going downward fast. I need an outlet and I cannot wait to get one!
It's so easy to say I'm going to let things go. But ultimately... that is much easier said than done. I wish I had a strong support system and I really don't. Maybe its because I don't allow it though. I know I have people to vent to if I want, but I just choose not to. I allow myself to have the walls up, and I know I have walls up because I am desperately afraid of being burned again. I'm too scared to take them down....

On top of dealing with my psychological stress I also have the added stress of waiting to see WHEN we are moving. Ugh!!! I am so tired of waiting, waiting, waiting.
On top of that Katy has been sick. She started throwing up last week and by Friday it was so bad she threw up ten times! I took her in to the vet and they didn't know what to make of it. She hasn't been eating or drinking for the past week. She's lost weight. The vet examined her and gave her some fluids to rehydrate her and two shots to help stimulate her. No change over the weekend. Took her back yesterday and they did blood work (which came back clean) and another back of fluids was given to her. We also now have medicine to give her. It's a appetite stimulant and so far she has been snacking a little bit, but not fully eating...and she still hasn't had anything to drink. Breaks my heart to see her not acting normal. Poor kitty. :(
They don't think there is anything lodged in her throat or stomach like a hairball or anything. But if it continues we will take xrays next to be sure she has nothing stuck in her throat. The doctor didn't see anything though when she looked down her throat and her stomach felt fine and not hard. We shall see I guess!